Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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