the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
