Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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