We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
