If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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