your thong is hanging out like whoa
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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