you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
