I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
