I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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