Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
