You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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