my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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