Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Randomize
