I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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