Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Randomize
