next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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