Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
