I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
