Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
