He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
