highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
