My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
