is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
