Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
