I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
