considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
