i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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