You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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