This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I should be sponsored by Trojan
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
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