I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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