She is in my trunk
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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