I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
