I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
