So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
