First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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