I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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