just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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