Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
