If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
