You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
