hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
