rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
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how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
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I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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