The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
