What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
