i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
