I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
