I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
