We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
