My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
