What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
