My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
