Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
