I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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