Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
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Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
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When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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