I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
